No Wings at All

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It’s been months since I wrote anything on this blog! It’s so strange to be sitting here now in front of a computer trying to remember how to write.

Looking back on all my old posts its so interesting to realize what a different person I seem to be! My whole life has changed in so many amazing ways and I just don’t have the time to share it anymore. But that is definitely not a bad thing. In the past couple of years I have been working so hard to make a better life for myself. I’ve gone from working two jobs for months straight (no days off) and still being broke to finally working one job that I love at a place that loves me back! In fact I’ve been promoted!

I work in such an incredible environment now! I work at a place where people fly without wings or airplanes or anything…just wind! In fact, if I allowed myself to get complacent, all the incredible flying might seem mundane after so long. I often try to stop and look at the things going on around me with fresh eyes. I try to see the magic the way I did when I first experienced it. I work at a wind tunnel! A freaking wind tunnel! I fly in that thing! Can you believe it? It’s amazing.

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Earlier this year I moved away from home. I’m far from the beach now but I’m learning to love the mountains. When I first got here I was so sad and so homesick, I worried that I had made a mistake. But quickly everything fell into place for me. I got the job at iFLY and they sent me to Chicago to train! I came home and made friends! I found things to do! I worked on turning a strange environment into a new home and now looking back I know without a doubt the universe sent me down the right path. I’m right where I need to be.

Lately most of my time is spent being active. I hike, I rock climb, I fly in the wind tunnel, I workout and train for races! If anyone followed my bucket list you’d remember how many of these things were on that list and now its just my every day life! That alone makes me infinitely happy.

A few months ago I ran my first 5k and then I ran a second one. I’m now training for another race! A few years ago I never thought I would be able to do these things! A few years ago these accomplishments seemed so far out of reach and I’m so proud of myself for actually achieving these goals!

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It is so important to never live in the past but it is also important to recognize where we come from. A few years ago I had a totally different existence. I had a house, a family, and I thought I knew the plan for the rest of my life but everything changed. And change is never easy…so… sometimes I still miss the way things used to be. I miss the time I had for art, I miss my family, my pets. I had a dream of fixing up my historic home. I spent so much time creating and meditating and experiencing the softer side of things.

Now I don’t have a lot of time for poems and books. I’ve forgotten how to knit and I very rarely get daily cup of green tea. It takes real effort to meditate. Time goes much faster now…but this is where I am supposed to be.

These days I don’t talk about my old life much. I don’t share my history, my past, or my struggles. But sometimes I just want to talk about the fact that I was unhappy, that I was always depressed and I could never sleep. I started thinking that maybe this was just me, maybe my default was sadness. Maybe I was just broken. But every now and then I would outshine the darkness. Every now and then I would pull myself up and I would see the real me. The unbroken me. Only to be put back down again. So I fought to leave my old life. And I just want to say that now I haven’t felt depressed in months. I haven’t wanted to hurt myself in a long time. I moved away and I promised myself that I would never let anyone or anything make me hate myself again. My default is not and never has been sadness. My default is joy. My default is gratefulness. My default is happy.

And that is why I’m so proud now. I was told I wouldn’t amount to anything but I have. I was told I couldn’t do it alone but I am. I was told I wasn’t beautiful or worthwhile but I am. Every day I prove to myself that I am.

Life is not perfect. I am an imperfect girl in and imperfect world but I’m learning to fly with no wings at all and I’m right where I need to be.

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Much love,

Jenny the Time Traveling Pirate

2 thoughts on “No Wings at All

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